Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick

To me, smoking pot meant sitting with a newspaper on my legs, rolling the seeds down, pulling the twigs out and finally producing a perfectly cylindrical, absolutely wonderful joint that you either locked at both ends or pinched off, or pinched at one end and left open at the other.

So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes

You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.