Sometimes, when I was really loaded, I'd sit on the floor and sort out every nut and bolt in the house. It was just sheer insanity. And often there'd be speed in the cut, so I was a speed freak, too.

If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the intellect.