Sometimes, when I was really loaded, I'd sit on the floor and sort out every nut and bolt in the house. It was just sheer insanity. And often there'd be speed in the cut, so I was a speed freak, too.

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the intellect.

I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!

The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.