If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?
Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Where do we get our values from?
I was a stonehead for 30 years. I'd wake up in the morning and if I couldn't decide whether I wanted a joint or not, I'd smoke a joint to figure it out. And I stayed high all day long.
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.