Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!

I never take credit for anything, because it's mostly genetic to my way of thinking. Even the need to work hard with some genetic talent you're given - the need to go out and develop it, and push hard to bring it to people.

Life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.