I suspect there really was more to my accident than bad luck. I think it was God's way of punishing my nose.

Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.

The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch.

Movies and television don't make you violent; all they do is channel the violence more creatively.

The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!

Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!