Sometimes guys'll say to you, 'Have a good one'. I say, 'I already have a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one'.

I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: 'People who smoke will eventually cough up small pieces of lung.'... And 'Warning!! Alcohol will turn you into the same jerk your father was.'

Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose.

I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.

The base of evil in the world is religion of any kind