Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.

No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke. It's at those moments that people's defenses go down, and that's when you can slip in a good idea.

Children should be taught to question everything . . . everything they read and everything they hear.

Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason

I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. But I'm not in a league with Lenny [Bruce], certainly not in terms of social commentary.

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing