Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

What I hated most was seeing those priests and brothers getting so much pleasure out of inflicting pain. I wondered what was wrong with them.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

At 68 I'm every age I ever was. I always think of that. I'm not just 68. I'm also 55 and 21 and three. Oh especially three.

The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.