The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me! Any time a bunch of holy people want to go out and kill each other I'm a happy guy!

In my fifth-grade yearbook - it's right up there on the top shell - the last page says, "What about your future?" and under my name, it says, "When I grow up, I would like to be either an actor, a radio announcer, an impersonator or a comedian."

Life is a series of dogs.

Movies and television don't make you violent; all they do is channel the violence more creatively.

If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.

Sometimes guys'll say to you, 'Have a good one'. I say, 'I already have a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one'.

Lenny Bruce genius was the unique ability to investigate hypocrisy and expose social inequities in a street rap that was really a form of poetry.