Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.

I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.'

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt

Grass [marijuana] probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer. When you're high, it's easy to kid yourself about how clever certain mediocre pieces of material are. But, on the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way.

Weather tonight: dark. Turning partly light by morning.