Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!

In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.

Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick

The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.