If God created everything, he's got a serious quality control problem.

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

I think of myself as an entertainer: I'm a performing entertainer, I'm a stand-up comic. But there's an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter.

People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn't want you to know.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.