I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.

There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while.