I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.

If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.

I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. [And] I want to be known for what I do best.

The dividend I get [from my compulsion] is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld.

I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.