It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?

As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.

I actually was a writer who had the ability to perform his own work as opposed to a comedian who wrote his own material. So that really made me happy and changed my whole perspective.

If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't... Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.