People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home.

I loved the angiogram. They stick a thing in your thigh and it goes all the way up to your heart. Isn't that a thrill? Well, at least the nurse scored thigh.

It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge.

Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

Mother's milk leads to everything.