If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.

The ritual was very important to me: cleaning the pot, rolling the pot.

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?

You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.

This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.

I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.