Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

My mother didn't get home until about seven most nights and, yes, there was a sense of being very alone after school. She gave me all the proper guidance and influences, but physically, she just couldn't be there.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.

That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.

Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't.

I enjoy watching a woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue to hide her teeth when she's laughing. I just stand there and tell her joke after joke after joke.