You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.

I like my jokes to be built on a foundation of ideas, or at least smart observations.

There are some people that aren't into all the words. There are some people who would have you not use certain words. Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven of them that you can't say on television. What a ratio that is. 399,993 to seven. They must really be bad. They'd have to be outrageous, to be separated from a group that large. All of you over here, you seven. Bad words. That's what they told us they were, remember? 'That's a bad word.' You know bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions.

My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.

I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: 'People who smoke will eventually cough up small pieces of lung.'... And 'Warning!! Alcohol will turn you into the same jerk your father was.'

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

I don't understand the problem with paroling Charles Manson? I say set him free and let him get on with his work. I have a long list of celebrities I'd be glad to share with him.