The coke made me incredibly horny.

Most of the note-taking happens while I'm watching television. It's a broad window on the world, and a lot of things are already established in my mind as things I say, things that I'm interested in, things that are fodder for my [stand-up] machine. And when I see something that relates to one of them, I know it instantly and if it's a further exaggeration and a further addition, or an exception - if it plays into furthering my purpose, I jot it down.

We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf.""

When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do.

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!