Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home.

Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.

To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.

I quit school in ninth grade, even though I was good at the studies. I knew I didn't need school for what I wanted.

Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.