Most of the note-taking happens while I'm watching television. It's a broad window on the world, and a lot of things are already established in my mind as things I say, things that I'm interested in, things that are fodder for my [stand-up] machine. And when I see something that relates to one of them, I know it instantly and if it's a further exaggeration and a further addition, or an exception - if it plays into furthering my purpose, I jot it down.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

If God created everything, he's got a serious quality control problem.

Self-expression is a hallmark of an artist, of art, to get something off one's chest, to sing one's song. So that element is present in all art. It is the key to even standing up and saying, "Hey, listen to me." Self-expression can be based on looking at the world and making observations about it.