I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.

If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll."

The best thing about living at the water's edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.

Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.

You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.

You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.