No one who has had "Taps" played for them has ever been able to hear it.

I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing.

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here are a few I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."; "Drinking will significantly improve your chances of murdering a loved one."; "If you drink long enough, at some point you will vomit up the lining of your stomach."; "Use this product and you may wake up in Morocco wearing a cowboy suit and tongue-kissing a transmission salesman."

Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting yourself from who you really are.

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

Hooray for most things!

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.