I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

Let's suppose we all just materialized on Earth and there was a bunch of potatoes on the ground, okay? There's just six of us. Only six humans. We come into a clearing and there's potatoes on the ground. Now, my instinct would be, let's everybody get some potatoes. "Everybody got a potato? Joey didn't get a potato! He's small, he can't hold as many potatoes. Give Joey some of your potatoes." "No, these are my potatoes!" That's the Republicans. "I collected more of them, I got a bigger pile of potatoes, they're mine. If you want some of them, you're going to have to give me something."

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.

In the United States, anybody can be President. That's the problem.

When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?