Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing

Life is sacred? Who said so, God? Hey, if you read history you'll realize that God is one of the leading causes of death...has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Jews, all taking turns killing each other because God told them it was a good idea.

If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.

Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.