Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election

Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

I consider the coke a major cause. Of course, you could also make the argument that because cocaine speeds up the heart, it's good for you.

I think of myself as an entertainer: I'm a performing entertainer, I'm a stand-up comic. But there's an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter.

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.