Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.

So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.

Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free.

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.

Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.

A pear is a failed apple.