Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.

I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I see them as symbols, and I leave them to the symbol-minded.

Everything that you know about yourself comes from thinking back, and I think I saw religion as the first big betrayal of me.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.