So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.

The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it

Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!

Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.

Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It's surprise that makes the joke.

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.