So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.

Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.

I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.

The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

The dividend I get [from my compulsion] is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld.

I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a natural area that I'd have loved - to teach it, probably, Language has always fascinated me. There's a genetic inheritance there a good language gene, which I inherited [from my mother and grandfather] and she fostered that in me as he fostered that in her.