A pear is a failed apple.

Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't.

If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.

I find it discouraging - and a bit depressing - when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky.

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't... Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations; he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table.