Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right.

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.

I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.

We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?