The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

Grass [marijuana] probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer. When you're high, it's easy to kid yourself about how clever certain mediocre pieces of material are. But, on the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way.

I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I respect animals. I have more sympathy for an injured or dead animal than I do for an injured or dead human being, because human beings participate and cooperate in their own undoing. Animals are completely innocent. There are no innocent human beings.