What I became a comedian for was to get my art out. To get some of these feelings and things I had on my chest out. I don't care if people believe them, listen to them, change their ways, or think, or any of that kind of crap. I'm interested in showing off. I'm the same kid from sixth grade who stood up and said "watch this."

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.

The best thing about living at the water's edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.

You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.