I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.

If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.

Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

I have a lot of things [in me] that are childlike and innocent and sweet.

Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."

Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.