If there were only one cherry pie in the world, and Bill Clinton owned it, I might get a piece of it. If Bush or Reagan owned it, you'd have to kill them to get a piece of pie. That's my feeling about Bill. And Bill's a good bullshitter. America likes a good bullshitter. That's one of the reasons he was re-elected. Honesty has no place in politics. It would throw everything off.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!

Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.

Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

All Christian religions are outer-directed. "Who can I convert?" "Let's go to this country and make them Christians." "Wear this." "Do that." "No, don't worship that way. Worship this way or I'll kill you - for the good of your soul, of course." Meanwhile, followers of Eastern religions are sitting in the middle of their minds, experiencing a bliss and a level of consciousness that Western man can't begin to approach.

I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left.