I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.

I don't own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.

The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing

By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.