When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.

"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass."

The dividend I get [from my compulsion] is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld.

You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven.

I enjoy watching a woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue to hide her teeth when she's laughing. I just stand there and tell her joke after joke after joke.

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.

People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.