You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven.

Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence.

The secretiveness. The stealth. Those were obviously the aspects of cocaine use I was addicted to.

What I became a comedian for was to get my art out. To get some of these feelings and things I had on my chest out. I don't care if people believe them, listen to them, change their ways, or think, or any of that kind of crap. I'm interested in showing off. I'm the same kid from sixth grade who stood up and said "watch this."