Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It's called assohol.

And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Not a word. You never hear them say "Jesus made me drop the ball." "The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." According to these guys Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be another one of those "miracles."

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.

I suspect there really was more to my accident than bad luck. I think it was God's way of punishing my nose.

One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.