Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It's called assohol.

Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!

My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.'

You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos

It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.

Religion is the worst thing that ever happened to mankind - the ironic part is that it's presented as a good thing, and its effect is absolutely catastrophic to individuals and to societies.

I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.