Valentine's Day is devoted to love. Why don't we have a day devoted to hatred? The raw, visceral hatred that is felt every hour of the day by ordinary people, but is repressed for reasons of social order. I think it would be very cathartic, and it would certainly make for an exciting six o'clock news.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Part of the pleasure of being alive is the knowledge that you're not dead yet.

One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.