Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?