And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.

Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

When you're born in this world you're given a ticket to the Freak Show. And when you're born in America, you're given a front row seat. And some of us get to sit there with notebooks.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.