And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.

As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.

Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself."

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Obviously, there are people who constrict themselves and build walls around themselves, whether it's from a moral standpoint or a patriotic standpoint, or just plain old conformity, and who therefore live in those little prisons, and when things breach those walls, it's shocking for them.

In the United States, anybody can be President. That's the problem.