And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool!

Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.

Religion is just mind control.

In adolescence you have to separate yourself and establish your identity. So, being very independent anyway, I took charge.

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election