When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

Art, music, and philosophy are merely poignant examples of what we might have been had not the priests and traders gotten hold of us.

Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.

And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?