When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

Someone said, and rightfully, that "property is theft'." There's no way a man can stand and tell me that he owns an apple tree. I just don't believe you. And so this pursuit of position and money and power, they are all wrapped up into one package that I think is crippling, debilitating and limiting. And unfortunately, people get sucked into it and then they've got you on the treadmill. You know: ''You've got to have a good job'' and "You've got to have a good education'' - which is another word for indoctrination. We're never going to rise above these limitations we've placed on ourselves.

The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.

My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.

Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It's surprise that makes the joke.

Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.

The enjoyment has been diminishing. Now, there's no question that it's sort of fun to get high.