When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

So I live in Los Angeles, and it's kind of a goofy place. They have an airport named after John Wayne. That ought to explain it. It has a charming kind of superstitious innocence.

The best thing about living at the water's edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.

I was trying to get out of the night clubs and was thinking maybe I'll go to the colleges now; that's where you can speak your mind.

Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals!

A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn't that violate some law of physics?

If a drug has anything going for it at all, it should be self-limiting. It should tell you when you've had enough.