When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.

I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.

Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.

The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch.