In my fifth-grade yearbook - it's right up there on the top shell - the last page says, "What about your future?" and under my name, it says, "When I grow up, I would like to be either an actor, a radio announcer, an impersonator or a comedian."

Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself."

Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

It's difficult enough for a young person to put his soul on the line in front of a lot of drunken people without having that hanging over his head, too.

I set out to become a comedian, and I said in order to do that the first thing I'll do is become a disc jockey and know my pop music. I like it, my voice is good, and I can start out getting confidence without an audience in front of me.