It's difficult enough for a young person to put his soul on the line in front of a lot of drunken people without having that hanging over his head, too.

When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "Gimme that! It's mine!"

I enjoy watching a woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue to hide her teeth when she's laughing. I just stand there and tell her joke after joke after joke.

The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.

If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.