Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent.

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.

Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken word, the writing that goes into it is an art form - it's certainly artistry.

The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes.

When will all the rhetorical questions end?

I also survived circumcision, a barbaric practice designed to remind you as early as possible that your genitals are not your own.

Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.