We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place.

If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.

I'm not collegial, I don't hang out. I'm soloist, I like my solitude, I don't really hang around with comedians.

I loved the angiogram. They stick a thing in your thigh and it goes all the way up to your heart. Isn't that a thrill? Well, at least the nurse scored thigh.

The person who is most a part of me is the performer, is the standup, the guy who says, "Hey look at me, listen to this!" I do that because that's what I do, I love doing it.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.