When I first heard the song Don't worry - be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first.

So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.

Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.

You can't be the fastest gun in town forever. There comes a time when you're not the golden boy, and you have to go off somewhere and figure yourself out.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.