When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

I just love it when I hear a little commotion, someone leaving. When I see those doors in the back . . .

Most of the note-taking happens while I'm watching television. It's a broad window on the world, and a lot of things are already established in my mind as things I say, things that I'm interested in, things that are fodder for my [stand-up] machine. And when I see something that relates to one of them, I know it instantly and if it's a further exaggeration and a further addition, or an exception - if it plays into furthering my purpose, I jot it down.

A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.

On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.