I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. But I'm not in a league with Lenny [Bruce], certainly not in terms of social commentary.

I have a lot of things [in me] that are childlike and innocent and sweet.

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done".

When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

When will all the rhetorical questions end?

The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!

If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?