I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. But I'm not in a league with Lenny [Bruce], certainly not in terms of social commentary.

Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!"

Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.

You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it!

My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.