Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.

When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: 'People who smoke will eventually cough up small pieces of lung.'... And 'Warning!! Alcohol will turn you into the same jerk your father was.'

Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.

The god excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.

In the Navy, there is no wrong hole. In the Marines, there is always a hole.

My mother and her plans for my future. She had it all worked out. I would attend a nice college, then get a job in advertising. "You'll be one of those smart-looking fellows in their Madison Avenue suits." And I rebelled against [my mother] and her values and her plans for my future at every opportunity.