Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!

Whereas your blackness, ethnicity, homosexuality is something that might be genetic, I can't touch that, and I have no right.

You ever notice that? Any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they're wearing different kind of hats. Keep an eye on that, it might be important.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.