I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

The US Army has announced that although it is true they performed mind-destroying drug tests on hundreds of soldiers in the 1960s, none of the victims have been promoted beyond the rank of lieutenant colonel.

I just love it when I hear a little commotion, someone leaving. When I see those doors in the back . . .

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.

President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.