I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

Life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

I set out to become a comedian, and I said in order to do that the first thing I'll do is become a disc jockey and know my pop music. I like it, my voice is good, and I can start out getting confidence without an audience in front of me.

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

There is nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine ... been here 4 1/2 billion years. We've been here, what, a 100,000 years, maybe 200,000. And we've only been engaged in heavy industry a little over 200 years. 200 years versus 4 1/2 billion. And we have the conceit to think that somehow we're a threat? The planet isn't going away. We are.