There is nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine ... been here 4 1/2 billion years. We've been here, what, a 100,000 years, maybe 200,000. And we've only been engaged in heavy industry a little over 200 years. 200 years versus 4 1/2 billion. And we have the conceit to think that somehow we're a threat? The planet isn't going away. We are.

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!

In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home.

If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?

Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.

I actually was a writer who had the ability to perform his own work as opposed to a comedian who wrote his own material. So that really made me happy and changed my whole perspective.

My father and mother separated when I was two months old.